Important note: We are talking today about real despair, which can be so intense as to leave one feeling so defeated and unworthy, self-harm or suicide can seem like a desirable option. If this is where you find yourself as you read, PLEASE click this link and call the number on it immediately. This is no light matter. God cares, and so do other people who are there to help you…

Now for the other side of yesterday’s coin:

Believe it or not, the other side of despair can be good, very good. But it’s got to be genuine, total specific despair. I’ll let Shannon Thomas explain….

Shannon counsels victims of psychological abuse and helps them heal. In her excellent Healing from Hidden Abuse, I found wisdom about despair that seemed hard to accept—until I “got it;” then I recognized how vitally important such “despair” can be to our emotional, physical, even spiritual well-being.

After explaining “The Basics of Psychological Abuse,” she presents the six stages through which she’s seen victims gain healing.

And the first, which she calls critically pre-requisite to all the steps to follow, is… “Despair”!

Here’s how it works:

(She says), “A week does not go by that I don’t hear at least one person say during a counseling session, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ I think these words are powerful. They [signal] that change in some form is probably on the horizon or at least it should be. An overload on emotional capacity is the reason people get to the point where they feel they cannot continue to stay in a relationship, …place of employment, …one-sided friendship, … the pressures created by a harmful spouse [or] unrealistic toxic family obligations, or whatever might be at the core of an ‘I can’t do this anymore’ statement.”

Then she says something shocking about those of us who feel so proud or grateful about our “resiliancy” and high emotional capacity to keep “bouncing back” from a toxic situation:

“If we have a high level of emotional capacity, it predisposes us to stay in abusive relationships longer. This is not a great thing. [However], a high level of emotional capacity helps survivors heal and truly recover. Our own strengths can be a double-edged sword…

“Getting to the point of feeling like we can’t continue doing something is not a bad thing. I have repeatedly watched amazingly strong men and women make… significant… needed life changes after they were able to get to [this] point… A deep sorrow is often how Stage One is described. A soul sorrow. A level of exhaustion… at times hard to explain…

“The challenge to Stage One is knowing whether we have arrived at a point of true despair and change will come, or if it’s just a temporary low point. Will we be heading back for more rounds of the same abuse? Just because we may be capable of forcing ourselves to continue down a certain path does not mean our nervous systems or physical health will be okay with that decision. I strongly believe in the mind-body connection, and if we continue doing what is harmful to us, our well-being will suffer… It is inevitable. I have witnessed the full spectrum of client emotional and physical breakdowns due to psychological abuse. I can share with you that once the body starts to shut down, a survivor must decide for who and what they are living.” [underlining mine]

These words of hers meshed “coincidentally” with a newsletter I recently read from another counselor of psychological abuse survivors. She shared the testimony of one woman who said she’d thought she was doing well and that she took good care of her health. A routine medical checkup shocked her when the doctor told her part of her body systems had already started to shut down, and if she didn’t change her life immediately, she would die.

Something else made this information about the necessity of “despair” ring true:
My Al Anon memories. Al Anon calls it “hitting bottom,” just like the alcoholic needs to do in order to start recovery. Step One in their 12-step program is “We admitted we were helpless over… [alcohol, or ________ (whatever)], that our lives had become unmanageable,” and until you’ve reached this point, you haven’t even begun!

Even the Apostle Paul had to learn this despair over a “thorn” in his life: “The Lord… said to me, ‘…My strength is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore… I will… boast… in infirmities… For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor 12:9-10). We need the “despair” stage to quit playing superheroine and truly put ourselves in God’s care and guidance.

So, is despair a crime? Only if we ignore it as the signal it is and thereby keep wallowing in it or ignoring it, and thereby harm ourselves with it!

*****

From my journal entry, September 22^nd:

“Felt like giving up today, being tormented and defeated by three miserable ailments simultaneously…” [This in addition to several other kinds of bad stuff that had been getting me down at the same time, which I’d journaled about in previous entries. I really did feel totally defeated. I’d felt, in fact, like Job, and had told God so.]

But this journal entry continues,

“…Then I opened up one of the fortune cookies from last night’s take-out. The ‘fortune’-ate advice inside said, “Despair is criminal.”

Whoah! That was like a slap in the face!

I was just poised to rant at the slip of paper about kicking a person when she’s down, but something checked me. I stopped and reconsidered, and I decided, “Yes, I guess it is!”

I wrote this reply in tiny letters under the printed words already there on the little slip. Later I even decorated the message, small as it was, with autumnal leaves and fruit, pasted it onto my journal page, and added these words: “It’s a criminal act against our own selves.” And at the bottom of the journal page I went on,

“So heads up! I went and got soothed by good music online, a quiet place to rest, and sleep—lots of sleep.” 

I realize a lot hinges on how the reader responds to such a “fortune.” A message like the one I got could make a horrible day unbearable. At a particularly bad time, it could even push a person right over the edge. [If that’s where you find yourself right now as you read, please, PLEASE, click this link and call the number on it immediately.]

But sometimes we just need a sharp reality check. Life was not that bad right then (as bad as Job’s anyhow), and when I did a mindset shift, the whole evening got better.

So there’s our first bit of “found wisdom”—“Despair is a crime.” (Against ourselves.)

HOWEVER… During the same time period, amid the same bad stuff and defeated feelings, I had read something else surprising about despair, and quite different from Fortune Cookie’s take on it: This other source spoke of despair positively, as a starting place! That will be tomorrow’s bit of found wisdom.

(Stay tuned.)

Where can I find wisdom? At the most renowned university in the West? Atop a Himalayan mountain in the East? At the bottom of a cereal box? Out in the woods amid the wind in the trees? Inside a Chinese fortune cookie? Where?

“Surely there is a mine for silver, and a place for gold that they refine… But where shall wisdom be found? And where is the place of understanding? … The deep says, ‘It is not in me,’ and the sea says, ‘It is not with me.’ –Job 28:1-2,12,14 ESV

I also suspect the cereal box would declare it’s likely not in it, either.

BUT…

God understands the way to it, and he knows its place. For he looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens… he saw it and declared it; -Job 28:23-24,27…

[and]…

The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us… that we may do all the words of this law. -Deuteronomy 29:29 ESV

Wisdom can’t be found by man, but God reveals wisdom to man? These two statements seem to conflict. If we humans can’t find wisdom, how can there be “found wisdom” at all, as in my title?

Well, here’s the thing: There’s Wisdom, and there’s wisdom.

Webster’s (big fat) Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language (1996) gives over four definitions for the word:

 1 the quality or state of being wise; knowledge of what is true or right coupled with just judgment as to action; sagacity, discernment, or insight. 2 scholarly knowledge or learning, the wisdom of the schools 3 wise sayings or teaching precepts. 4 a wise act or saying.

What we, and Job, long for, and wish we had within ourselves, perfectly, is the capital-W Wisdom Webster’s defines first.

But the small-w wisdom my series title refers to encompasses the other three definitions. “Found wisdom” can be practical tips for everyday living, scientific knowledge for understanding situations and people more fully, and even insights that give us glimpses of God’s capital-W wisdom and help equip us to act Wisely.

Lesser wisdom like this can be found all around, even in the most surprising places.

Consider where the wisdom Balaam needed to hear came from! (Numbers 22:21-30).

Which story reminds me of a certain church ceremony I and a companion attended, where much was amiss, but the prescribed lesson for the day wasn’t. As we exited the building, I murmured, shaking my head, “God still speaks!”

“Yes,” my companion replied… Then we looked at each other and chorused together, “Even through donkeys!”

So, before we get started here, a word about sources of quotes:

If I quote someone that you don’t think much of, don’t suppose for a minute that I endorse everything (or even anything else) that person says or believes. It is the quoted words only that have rung true for me; so I share them, and tell why. I must give credit to those to whom the words are attributed (though for all I know, some may have gotten wrongly attributed, or were derived from sources these people have regurgitated—perhaps even unconsciously). If certain attributions bother you, try to ignore them, and consider only the words—on their own merit and wisdom value.

Fact is, the first attribution I’ll give here is to a Chinese fortune cookie! That doesn’t mean I look to these novelties as my guide to direct my path. But I have read surprising things now and then on those little enclosures—once even a direct quote from scripture.

Yet even scripture can be mishandled.

So please weigh all the quotes in the spirit of Job’s words about true wisdom that follow his words above::

[God] established it, and searched it out. And he said to man, ‘Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom, and to turn away from evil is understanding’” -Job 28:28.

The most important wisdom lies in our rightly applying the information, practical tips, and insights that come our way to our lives and circumstances. Let’s keep our eyes, minds, and hearts open to “finding” it!

*****

Previous post related to this series: “Write 31 Days”—On Discovering Wisdom

Here I am, on the first of October, in the wee hours of morning, still inwardly debating whether to go down this path, whether to commit myself to 31 Days of blog posts in October again this year.

Last year was actually fun, and fulfilling, even though I had to figure in a weekend away on retreat without internet service. This year I’ll have two time periods when I’ll be without internet; so it’s even more of a challenge. But that almost makes me want to rise to the occasion even more.

I’ve also spent a lot of time trying to figure out a theme for this year.

I really enjoyed doing the collage challenge last year, but my camera’s operational state is iffy (battery leak and resulting corrosion, oh my!), and it doesn’t happen to be with me right now, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to post pics of collages, if I do have time to create them. So, I need a different theme this year. I hope, however, to include collages, at least part of the time.

Last year also, as October progressed, the desire grew in me to write on a particular established national theme for this month, DVAM. This is the month set apart to heighten public awareness of domestic abuse and what can be done to stop and prevent it. But I don’t feel at all ready to write thirty-one posts about that yet this year. 

But one thing both uncomplicated and worth sharing is the wisdom that has popped up in front of me in the past year, sometimes in surprising settings and from surprising sources. Hopefully I’ll have more new encounters through this month. I’m sticking my neck out by hoping so, because I don’t have 31 bits of wisdom all lined up neat and tidy, and I haven’t yet searched my journals to see how many I recorded there. 

So okay, I’m taking a chance, but I’ve decided. My theme this year will be “31 Days of Found Wisdom: Wise Words and Sayings from Expected and Unexpected Places.” Some of the wise words will probaby relate to domestic abuse and its prevention; some blogs will probably be accompanied by collage.

All that is nebulous. But the basic commitment has become clear: to “Write 31 Days”! Onward and upward!

*****

Here, below on this page, is where you will find links to all the posts for this series, appearing as soon as the posts are published:

2. Introduction: Where is Wisdom Found?

3. Insight about Despair, Part One

4. Despair Part Two: Despair as the First Step Toward Healing 

5. Specific Despair, Boundless Hope

6. Specific Despair, Boundless Hope, Part 2

Last night we had a new experience: a robotic telephone call, an automated warning: not to go out on the road!

We complied. We’d already read the river flood advisories and the flash flood warnings and decided to cancel our anniversary dinner out, and just scare up some food from garden and fridge. But we did go out on the land (squoosh, squoosh!), when the torrents diminished temporarily to a gracious drizzle: up the washed-out driveway and around the ravaged garden, to survey the damage.

We’ve been living on a soaked sponge for some time, and all those recent deluges tipped the balance. This has been the worst soil saturating and flooding I’ve ever witnessed since living here. Yesterday the trickling-brook-turned-roaring-river was banging the boulders together so hard, they kept sounding like booming gunshots. The downpours themselves roared, on and on. In the middle of last night came a loud cra-a-a-ack-ing sound, awaking us both: an uprooted tree going down. And we’ve had day after day of nothing but gray.

So, today, a little light-hearted collage, as antidote to the heavy-handed weather we’ve been enduring:

*****

When I waited for light, there came darkness. -Job 30:26