Only four days and I’m already feeling like I’ve stuck my foot in a peat bog and am getting sucked in over my head. Already I find so many demands and nags calling to me and tugging at me from all different directions that I regret my commitment…
But wait! Maybe I need to step back and consider why I’m doing this.
I am so agitated inside by all the cacaphony that I can’t seem to let down and do this.
I need to put first things first.
First for me is God.
First doings for me are getting with God, with all my baggage and angst, and directing my voice, my attention, my heart, toward Him.
I pray for His help in doing this and turn to the Psalms, which so often express my heart better than I myself could.
And as I do so, I begin to think the reasons for my 31-day commitment run very deep.
Through many years, I have let a lot of interferences cut me off from developing many aspects of what makes me… me. I have often stifled that in the interest of others’ dreams, bents, and desires. Oftentimes rightly. But sometimes wrongly–or at least needlessly.
And one of the verses that “happens” to pop up in my reading is this:
“Your hands have made me and fashioned me…” Ps 119:73.
I think of how I have often expressed my passion about that fact:
“I wanna be the me that He made me to be!”
Aiming, working, striving, to be the individual creation that God designed in oneself is not the same thing as selfishly following one’s own whims and desires with no regard for others. It’s honoring God’s creation, and His wisdom.
I know that part of the way God made me was empathetic, with a come-alongside spirit that encourages others in finding their gifts and supports them in following their bents and doing “heartily” what they’re made to do well. That is a good gift, and one that needs to be used for the love of God and the benefit of others. But it’s not all there is to me. He also gave me a leaning toward writing and art. It may have been good and right and even best that I put aside going to the art school that accepted me, and relinquished that J-term trip to France in college, and put the skids on my writing endeavors in the interest of motherhood. But right now there’s no good reason not to pursue those neglected aspects of who He made me…
And to do it heartily!
Mini collages and mini blog posts are my baby steps in that direction.
May He bless your efforts to be what He made you to be, too, dear reader.
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