The Sylvr Pen

It’s Random Journal Weekend. So here’s some pondering right from my personal journal, last December.I choose it because it shows where and when got my first “D word” possibility for this year’s “One Word,” and it addresses a big problem that has kept me from doing the things I’ve considered, planned, or started:

Yesterday I brought before [God] a complaint, a question that has been plaguing me for a long time now, one I’ve mentioned before [ in my journals]. Ever since my “exile”/ “sabbatical” from a bad church situation, and the wonderful “weaving” of “monastic rhythms” into those early days, my desire for more and better of the same budded and bloomed, but follow-through in the actual living-out didn’t fly well.

It seemed to get interrupted and obstructed at every turn, just like the way someone used to physically place obstacles like buckets or tools or baskets midway in paths I needed to travel [in my] daily living.

Sometimes the hindrances came from human sources, but sometimes they seemed to occur completely beyond the realm of human control, and so come from God… But now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that right and will have to check by careful review.

I got so frustrated sometimes I supposed maybe God didn’t want me pursuing a life of devotion… [though that didn’t make sense]. Maybe He just wanted me to learn [flexibility…? Or, humility?] (asked weakly)

But what was getting me was that whichever way I determined to go, some monkey wrench would inevitably appear in the works, sometimes hindering to the point of impossibility (Like this week’s snowstorm and my near-emergency dental appointment for next week…) It seemed no matter what aim I set something got in its way.

I wrote about this some time back, comparing my life to a kaleidoscope getting jolted [repeatedly and a whole new pattern for the day or week replacing the one I’d set]. It seemed to me then, as I said, that the best response to this was flexibility and adaptation.

But there’s a fine line between flexibility and loosey-goosey allowing yourself to get jerked hither and yon [in] wishy-washy instability… And in response yesterday to my complaining question God seemed to be putting the onus on me, pointing my attention to my need for more steadiness, steadfastness, unwavering forward walk, aim rather than aimlessness. And James’ condemnation [James 1:6-8] of the unstable person who wavers really seemed to hit home the point.

Was that it? Was I not settled determinedly enough on a particular direction on which I should be, and therefore just wavered whenever the least opposition or uncertainty arose? I was leaning toward that strong possibility.

And then came last night, drawing me away from my “sort-of” planned (unsteady?) intent for fellowship with God—after having my AM devotional time rudely interrupted earlier in the day.

Now I am really wondering if what has been happening all along has been… 1) man/flesh hindering the devout life, and 2) God hindering those [“good” but nonessential] paths [I took] b/c of my frustration with devotional pursuits. I really do need to go back and investigate this possibility.

Meanwhile, I began to consider that I lacked adequate determination in the right direction, that this would be a good theme word for the rest of December, and perhaps for the year 2015.

Yes!

That’s Five Minute Friday‘s prompt word for the week. And here I’ve just walked to my computer this morning to discover it, right after promising myself that yes, I would publish this time. If I didn’t like what I wrote on the first try, I’d do a second free write. So here it is, whatever it is:

GO.

Funny this should be today’s word. At the first day of this month, I did some hard thinking, some deciding. I determined that every day in September ought to be a D Day. By that I mean a day living out some D words that I’d considered at the start of the year as possible “One Word”s, but brushed them all off. Words like

determination

decisiveness

diligence

(…. break! … this is bad… I’ve got to stop and go look in my journal!…)

dedicated

devotional

and yes,

do

Why a daily D-Day? Well, since I had to fetch my journal, here’s a big part of the reason, copied from there:

“I see, in retrospect, that a great lot of my wasting of opportunities, of time and talent, has come directly from indecisiveness, and that born of uncertainty. Unsure which path to take, I have sat at too many crossroads instead of taking any of the offered routes. Afraid of erring, I have erred by omission, many omissions.”

I have said “No,” to myself too many times, in almost every case because of uncertainty, over-carefulness, lack of confidence, or downright  fear—usually of making a fool of myself. And it’s finally getting through to me (I hope!) how much I can make a real fool of myself by such self-stifling.

I’m not talking about ignoring conscience or trampling all over anybody else’s rights or needs. I’m talking about ignoring being the me that God made me to be, and living it out with joy, with determined, deliberate, diligent dedication and delight, of saying yes to all that He’s put in me, and to the generous love He daily gives me. After all, isn’t that really a devoted, a devotional, way of living?

Yes, I think so.

Yes.

STOP.

Now let me go stand in front of the mirror and practice saying that little three-letter word to myself!

RELATED: This quote long buried among my clippings:

“Use what talent you possess:

the woods would be very silent

if no birds sang except those that sang best.”

-Henry Van Dyke

Also RELATED: This motto I long ago penned for myself—which concisely expresses the desire I’ve ignored or buried too much, and need to live out more in my daily doings:

“I wanna be the me that He made me to be!”

-me

YES!

(And now I take a breath and click “publish,” which is, after all, a definite “yes.”)

Q: Is there something right and good that you could/should be saying “yes” to, something you’ve been turning down too long?

Linked to Five Minute Friday

*Photos, edited, courtesy of Hubs, who thought I could use them for “a parable or something.” I didn’t think so. But yes, these birdies made a perfectly fitting parable to add to this post!

The first Friday of every month, Dawn Paoletta graciously provides a linkup for journal-keepers to bravely share something from their personal journals: RJD, Random Journal Day. RJD has become more RJW, Random Journal Weekend, which suits me wonderfully, especially in the summer, when I find it harder to keep up with blogging, and even my normally daily journaling gets more sporadic. Thank you, Dawn, for this week’s linky, and the prompt it gives me to share my latest journaling direction…

From my present journal’s first entry:

July 25, 2015

I bought this journal in a flash… because of its appeal on many levels: the ring binding, my favorite for journaling flat, for adding clippings and photos, for being able to tear out pages without destroying the binding; the fatness, to satisfy my written verbosity; even the color, I’m guessing, which surprises me (I never liked chartreuse, but this fresh spring green, I think it symbolizes fresh start); and not least, its “title”: RETHINK. Because that is what I have been doing, and what I want to do a lot more through the rest of this year.

I want—I think I need—to recycle my thoughts and suppositions of the past several decades, and what better place than in a 100% recycled-paper journal? Nice clean white paper, for recycled, too, isn’t it? That’s what I want to do with my past thoughts: clear them up, clean out the dirty deceptions and cluttered confusions, run it all through the new insights and understandings I have gained in recent months and years.

I may use this particular physical journal solely for this purpose, and record regular journaling of the day-to-day elsewhere—unless it somehow serves to recycle my thinking anew. Maybe that’s why I bought the bright tangerine Moleskine as well, along with the three-pack of Moleskine pocket pads. One of those rests in my back jeans pocket right now. I want always to carry one with me, along with a pen. I’d also like to get a tiny recorder, so I can record my “talkings to myself,” which can run faster than my writing, and thereby capture more of my fleeting thoughts.

All this because one of the things I’m rethinking is my “dreams” and “gifts” and “bents”—on the theory that it’s never too late to recycle them. They got largely trashed in my life, but look at the new whiteness and usefulness of this recycled notebook! Rather an encouraging symbolism for me.

Specifically I’ve been rethinking my writing—or better put, the rightful place and role of writing in my life. Then I want to relive it, in a more effective, confident, and empowered way, by God’s grace and enablement.

So God bless this ReJournal, and my hopeful ReLife!

*****

Linked to Random Journal Day by Enthusiastically Dawn

Free writing for five minutes on the prompt word…

POINT:

Go!

What’s the point?

More to the point, why do we ask?

The birds don’t ask.

They hatch and chirp and fly and sing and nest and raise their own little broods and then are gone. They migrate according to their own GPS and never sit around and ponder, “What’s it all about?”

The chipmunks don’t ask. They burrow and run and gather and store up and race about doing what they do, and never fret about the shortness of life or the fate of the world.

But we do.

We ask when disappointments come. “What was the point of all that work?” (Or pain?)

We ask when we’re exhausted. “Why am I doing all this?”

We ask and question the path before us, the past behind us, the purpose for our life.

We ask when we get the chance just to sit around and ponder and discuss. The point of this. The point of that…

Now as I write and ponder why we ponder such ponderings myself, the answer that comes is this:

“He has put eternity in our hearts.” We ask about and seek for a point to it all because we know deep down, like the birds know which way to migrate… we somehow know there IS one.

May He point our hearts all toward it!

STOP.

When I saw the Five Minute Friday freewriting prompt word that Friday, I startled.

“Blue!”

But I’d already written on that! In my journal. So how could I “freewrite” on it two weeks later?

Well, it’s another week later now, but I really want to share how God makes His presence known—at least one way He did for me…

Right from my journal pages:

I was blue–deep, dark, indigo, blue-black blue–and having a very hard time crawling out of the blues. I felt wrecked and hopeless. And I stood at the kitchen side window, elbows on counter, and I thought of how someone once told me, “If you want to change your attitude, start with gratitude.”

I also prayed to God, “Please show me a sign for good.”

And I recalled how, when I’d prayed that same prayer the day before, I’d thought of beauty, how every beauty in creation is a kind of sign for good, a “kiss from God,” and how, almost simultaneously, the thought of a blueberry had come into my head, a single blueberry.

I didn’t know why. I was in the guest room at the time, with no blueberries anywhere near. Maybe because [husband] had had blueberries floating in the milk of his cereal bowl early at his breakfast–and  I was hungry for blueberries? 

I had gone and got some then from the freezer and poured fresh rich milk and sugar on them and ate and reveled in them, and I’d plucked one single frozen berry, all blue and beautiful throughout, and admired its perfect design and goodness, and thanked God for blueberries, most genuine thanks…

Now, today, as I stood at that window, looking nowhere really, thinking of beauty as a sign for good, I “came to” and noticed: right before me on the window sill was a wee cache of blue statice.

I picked up a stem and examined its blossoms. Papery ruffles of petals. My naked eye couldn’t discern, but it looked like the edges were scalloped, or pinked zigzag. I went in search of “Maw Maw’s” old bejeweled magnifier, and held up both it and the flower before the window’s light. 

Magnified and backlit, you could now see  its translucence and the faint random stripes down its length: darker lavender blue on lighter, a joy.

Then, as I kept gazing at this beauty and thanking God for it, movement beyond the window caught my eye. Changing focus to midrange, there, at the (inactive, foodless) bird feeder, I saw… a bluebird!

Now bluebirds just delight my heart, and to watch one at such close range was rare. 

But wait! Not just one! Here came another! They hopped and flitted, and poked their heads into the holes (that give access to winter food under shelter). One flew in momentarily.

“They’re aiming to set up housekeeping!’ I thought, all excited, and wondered if we had enough bluebird houses erected. I’d have to ask.

They flew off a while, but then came back, and repeated the same routine. Obviously they couldn’t nest there, but that they should hang out here so long, as if considering it, when I’ve never seen a bluebird at that feeder before… Well, I call that a “kiss from God, a sign for good. And that’s what God is–Good.

It was just a wee “coincidence,” healing my discouraged heart! And now, days later, to turn to FMF, and see that prompt word, “BLUE,” it was just too much. Too much for mere coincidence.

How ’bout “a sign for good”?

***

Q: Have you ever asked of God “a sign for good”? Did you pay attention then so you wouldn’t miss one if He sent it? What happened?