It’s Random Journal Weekend. So here’s some pondering right from my personal journal, last December.I choose it because it shows where and when got my first “D word” possibility for this year’s “One Word,” and it addresses a big problem that has kept me from doing the things I’ve considered, planned, or started:

Yesterday I brought before [God] a complaint, a question that has been plaguing me for a long time now, one I’ve mentioned before [ in my journals]. Ever since my “exile”/ “sabbatical” from a bad church situation, and the wonderful “weaving” of “monastic rhythms” into those early days, my desire for more and better of the same budded and bloomed, but follow-through in the actual living-out didn’t fly well.

It seemed to get interrupted and obstructed at every turn, just like the way someone used to physically place obstacles like buckets or tools or baskets midway in paths I needed to travel [in my] daily living.

Sometimes the hindrances came from human sources, but sometimes they seemed to occur completely beyond the realm of human control, and so come from God… But now I’m not sure if I’ve gotten that right and will have to check by careful review.

I got so frustrated sometimes I supposed maybe God didn’t want me pursuing a life of devotion… [though that didn’t make sense]. Maybe He just wanted me to learn [flexibility…? Or, humility?] (asked weakly)

But what was getting me was that whichever way I determined to go, some monkey wrench would inevitably appear in the works, sometimes hindering to the point of impossibility (Like this week’s snowstorm and my near-emergency dental appointment for next week…) It seemed no matter what aim I set something got in its way.

I wrote about this some time back, comparing my life to a kaleidoscope getting jolted [repeatedly and a whole new pattern for the day or week replacing the one I’d set]. It seemed to me then, as I said, that the best response to this was flexibility and adaptation.

But there’s a fine line between flexibility and loosey-goosey allowing yourself to get jerked hither and yon [in] wishy-washy instability… And in response yesterday to my complaining question God seemed to be putting the onus on me, pointing my attention to my need for more steadiness, steadfastness, unwavering forward walk, aim rather than aimlessness. And James’ condemnation [James 1:6-8] of the unstable person who wavers really seemed to hit home the point.

Was that it? Was I not settled determinedly enough on a particular direction on which I should be, and therefore just wavered whenever the least opposition or uncertainty arose? I was leaning toward that strong possibility.

And then came last night, drawing me away from my “sort-of” planned (unsteady?) intent for fellowship with God—after having my AM devotional time rudely interrupted earlier in the day.

Now I am really wondering if what has been happening all along has been… 1) man/flesh hindering the devout life, and 2) God hindering those [“good” but nonessential] paths [I took] b/c of my frustration with devotional pursuits. I really do need to go back and investigate this possibility.

Meanwhile, I began to consider that I lacked adequate determination in the right direction, that this would be a good theme word for the rest of December, and perhaps for the year 2015.