Sunday evening, I watch.

A dumb movie reruns huge chunks of my life, different phases, all fouled up and foolish…

“Does this bother you?” my fellow watcher asks.

“No,” I scoff, “because [the movie] it’s just so stupid.”

But Monday morning hangs heavy, a cloud pushes my body hard into floorboards, as my feet plod through the morning motions.

I go to prayer. But instead of the usual psalms, prayers, and songs, I burst into weeping, and honesty breaks free.

It does bother me. A lot. My life, so much wasted, so little left. So many mistakes — bad decisions, errors in judgment, even when I was trying to do it all right and godly…

No writing-as-usual. The keyboard holds itself in defiance. Words inside are confusion.

But write I do, in my journal.

And I read. I read my Bible, listening for God. And blog posts of others, listening for insights. And my own journal page:

“Movie last night flashed back my life… and this morning Psalm 90 comes up, reminding me my earth-time’s a fleeting vapor…

“I’ve set myself to use it better… but I haven’t anything significant to do, just keep home and laundry in decent order, meet husband’s small domestic needs, and give and pray and encourage others… a mere drop, certainly nothing setting the world afire. I feel like a washout… at a dead end…

But I can thank God…”

And there follows a grace list, and it grows long and deep: God’s giving through all the “fouled up and foolish,” till I sit awed at the intervening mercies.

Then I make a short list, things I did right — by God’s grace! — both “back then” and recently, and it comes clear that the Accuser bad-talks at us the way I’d been doing to myself. (Conviction from God’s Holy Spirit corrects; Accuser condemnation aims only to defeat.) So, whose spokesperson had I been? 

Then God speaks from His word:

From Colossians 1, these words leap out: “the hope laid up for you in heaven.” They wash over me like soothing oil. It’s not over even when it’s over here.

And then Philippians. And well, if you know Philippians… But for now, just this: Phil 3:13-14.

Finally, others’ blogs. Still wondering how a “stupid movie” could blindside and knock me so low, I behold someone else’s grief revisit, triggered by a seemingly mundane event — and realize mine came to call again the same way!

We mourn the loss not only of people, but also of dreams, of might-have-beens. And tiny triggers can call back hidden pain in startling waves. 

Now with waves receded, stilled, I sit and shake my head a little, still somewhat stunned, pondering the why.

I think God gives us such “re-griefs” to finish healing we don’t realize we still need. And to equip us for comfort of others in pain. 

No more blues now. Only settled, grateful peace.


14 thoughts on “Blue Funk (and the Climb Out)

  1. I love your idea of writing down the things you did right! Most of the time I dwell on all my mistakes and the things I did wrong – I am going to write down and think about the things I did right!! Thank you!!

    1. Hi Rachel,
      I don’t know where I learned that, but it really does help me when I get into one of those beat-myself-down modes. We tend to think in extremes; all or nothing good or bad (well, some of us do…;) ) Thank you for comment. Blessings to you!

  2. Praise God, for your insights. They are surely given from our Lord. He redeems and restores and heals, even as you said when we don’t realize we still need it. This is one of those post we should read every morning we wake up with any kind of heaviness. It is so encouraging.

    1. And you are encouraging me, Nona! I am so glad if this can be some of the “comfort” that 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says God gives us in these situations to pass on to others. Fellowship! God bless, and thanks for the visit!

  3. I now know God is controlling the timing of when your blogs appear in my inbox…yesterday was great, but came home from my evening class discouraged and woke up the same way and here was this post. This morning I was wishing I hadn’t agreed to teach this semester–that I could focus on taking care of my husband and my house. And others as God brings them. Much here touched me, I am glad you are doing just the right thing for this season in your life, using the wisdom that comes from the experiences your life has brought you. God bless you.

    1. Thanks, Laurie, your comment is very encouraging.
      That IS God’s timing. Keep your chin up. God has blessing in this semester of teaching, too. It’s not morally wrong, so don’t fret. (Maybe you’re like me and think that whatever choice you made was the wrong one! lol but no kidding) And remember it IS only a semester! God bless you much today, dear sister!

  4. Dearest Sylvia,

    I had to go back and dig a bit before I answered this, but I found what I wanted to find. You made a comment to me on November 30, 2011 when I was in a deep funk. It was a comment to my post “salt and grace in the same sentence”

    It is these kinds of incredible words that sometimes are all I have to hang onto when the going gets so very rough. It was almost a month to the day that I was terminated from the place of which I wrote in November. Your comment to me then is still pertinent today. What if your words were not there? They are part of the tapestry I am holding onto…

    So, my dear sister, when you think your life is counting for not and you’re really only doing laundry and meeting the husband’s simple domestic needs, something else is happening, too. Your Lord is just so much a part of your everydayedness that you don’t realize His impact through you. Perhaps the writing down is necessary to bring it into your consciousness. So be it, but it IS there.

    I can testify to its power,

    1. Omygoodness, Dawn, have you ever returned the grace, multiplied many times! What meaning you just added to my day! Your comment’s going to be one of those precious encouragements to me when I get lagging and dragging, discouraged or tired or uncertain. Thank you, dear friend, and God bless.

  5. I think you are so right about the purpose of the “re-griefs.” {and I really like that word, by the way…it’s so fitting}.

    Thanks for linking up over at Graceful this week — so glad to have you there!

  6. Thanks, Michelle, for your visit and comment — and for hosting your blog hop. Glad to be there! God bless!

  7. Oh, it’s so true! The “re-griefs” can hurt so much, yet they can bring about incredible healing, healing we don’t even realize we need! I remember so clearly what it was like to experience this, the pain and the whys and yet the understanding of how much I’d grown and how much growing I still had to do – still have to do. I will never forget His healing and grace, the peace and rest that I hadn’t known I’d needed, and my gratitude for the perfect way He worked it all out. Thank you for sharing this!

  8. Mary,
    So glad to hear how God has given you that healing and grace in your grief(s)/re-grief(s). Prayers for more of His special comfort and love. May all be healed.

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